Published November 8, 2008
As the sun comes up i look around
for somewhere to hide, under a rock perhaps,
anywhere just to get away
from the hatred in the air
I can't escape,
for it is everywhere
I stir in my sleep as nightmares
envelope my soul
They eat away at me
causing my heart to
rot prematurely
and for my back to arch with
the pain of my thoughts
I don't know I am this way
all i know is that the people around
hiss in each other's ears at my difference
and so called ignorance
when really they are the are
the ones who's brains
lay un-nourished
As I sit in bed at night, the dark is rising
and i have restlessness in me
that cannot be tamed by force nor
fear
I slip outside
and then slowly and carefully
recede into the shadows
to contemplate my own existence
People think I am a freak;
not meant for this planet.
"Your emotions are sidereal" they say.
I look down and disagree with swollen eyes.
And suddenly while sitting in the shadows
I espy something I had never noticed before;
They were right.
So this is why I cry, this is why I rot,
and this is why I punch and kick -
all because I had never come to notice
that I - of all people - was the foolish one.
I climb the stairs on a direct course for my bed,
I slip. I fall. The pain is here once more.
We will all die someday.
I guess we should all just wade it out till then.
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141,611 Literary Works • 675,149 Reviews
I love it it has the whole I'm a loner and YOU CANT TOUCH ME! lol For me I think its a poem I have to read more than once because I cant believe how great it is. I loved it except the smoking bit lol lets chalk it up to a bad experience LOL overall I would like to read more of your writing.
hello! Welcome to yws!
Firstly, great title. I don't think that i've heard it written by anyone else before. So that's a fab start. I immediately wanted to read.
However, after reading the poem through a few phrases jumped out at me as cliches. They are mixed in with a lot of fantastic, original work here, but i can definately pick them out. So, i thought i'd edit it a little.
Of course, you don't have to change anything, because it's your poem and sometimes it's hard for the odd person to understand your style which i accept, but if you want my comments, here they are...
this last line sounds like you're joking. i'm taking it that the narator is human, so i think this
line sounds a little bit silly! I also underlined look because i reckon you could come up with an even wierder more imaginative verb for it. Have a think about it. By the way, i also changed around th spacing of the first couple of lines. the way they're spread out made my reading stutter. When i got to 'i look around', it made 'for somewhere to hide' slightly redundant. Do you see what i mean? Just a thought.
absolutely fantasic. Love these two lines. They're very descriptive. ^^
These seem a bit messy. I think adding 'but' connects the phrase well. Also, consider taking out 'for it is'; although i can see you were going for a certain feel with the language, it doesn't really fit. It's a bit wordy and it detracts from the meaning of the line. You've already used lovely language anyway!
fantastic, but you definately didn't mean envelope! i also changed the distribution of the lines again to make it read easier. Up to you, really.
Ok, i reckon that prematurely isn't a very nice word to hear. That's my opinion. And i think it makes it a little more wordy than it needs to be. You have some fantastic ideas and words in this stanza that don't need to be bulked out with unneeded ones.
I just rearanged some words and got rid of a couple. Also, i thought that agony is a better word than pain for your writing; it's more dramatic. This is, of course, all just my opinion.
I admittedly changed a lot here: this stanza is probably the longest, but only because there are a lot of unneeded words filling it out. I crossed some out that were just typos, and a couple of others to make it flow better.
Also, i thought again that 'surround me' would be more dramatic for you and your writing than just around me because you have quite a melancholy and dramatic style.
Plus, i changed 'and so called' and wrote in quotation marks because it's a good way to write sarcastically without the extra words. It seemed to have a little more impact. What do you think?
Also, un-nourished isn't a word, but i wrote the one you probably meant next to it. Hope it helped a bit. Un's and In's and Dis's and Mal's as prefixes are a bit confusing!
Please don't take this to mean that you have to change it all, but definately consider it.
PS, i love the bit about hissing and their brains sitting. Absolutely fantastic, uncliched, roll off the tongue, original language that makes that stanza fab!
I think you should change that, it hits me as the name of a book and movie. Try to think of another way of wording it maybe.
Another original line that i love! Definately keep this one, it's fantastic. However, you either have to write 'by neither force nor fear' or 'by force or fear'. You can't really mix and match.
great alliteration though.
Ah! Too many words! It immediately loses impact when you drag it out. Read the original and then read it like this...
I slip outside,
Slowly recede into the shadows...
It becomes more mysterious and snappy which i think works a hell of a lot better! Also, by the way, i underlined recede because i think it's a great word.
Again i just rearranged this sentence to make it easier to read. It flows a little better like that i think. Also, not mention the word 'cigarrette' is very sultry and cool! well worded line, altogether.
As this last stanza stands, you have written in a pause between day and of. That's very unnatural - you don't need a pause there, but the line-break creates one. i'll write it again below how i suggest you do it:
That is how i would have written it. Cut down the words and make it two destinct sentences. What do you think?
Ok, overall, i have a few comments.
You're writing is good because you can think up some unusual and original phrases that work well to create this very dark atmosphere. That's fab. But also, you have a tendency to word some of it ye-olde style, if you understand what i mean, and it detracts because you ALREADY HAVE THE ATMOSPHERE, created in the unusual language you use. I think you need to remember to keep it condensed to what the reader needs to here, what needs to be part of the poem.
Secondly, sometimes your grammar and spelling is incorrect, which is a shame because i like reading poems that have been checked carefully and set out nicely so that they are appealing for the eye to read too. Definately consider proof readings.
Lastly, you are missing punctuation or there are typos. Also, you rarely capitalise the start of a line, which is a specification of poetry. Though this seems a bit pedantic, it's actually really important to have the right line-breaks and punctuation, because they help the flow dramatically, and are very much part of the overall poem.
It's a crappy example, but take i look at what i mean below.
I watch the sun spread watery gold and peach across the sky,
Mottled with a heavenly blue...
i watch the
sun spread
watery
gold and peach across the
sky mottled
with a heavenly blue
Can you see which one is easier to read and take in?
Line breaks are great for effect, but you have to be careful not to break the flow of the reader, and it gets messy when it's missing punctuation and capitals. I really love to comment on peoples work when they put up something that's finely tuned to the best of their ability so that it's possible to help them develop even further, so it's a pain when you have to correct puntuation. making sure it's all correct to your standards before you post is a good rule to follow.
wow, i'm a nag!
I know this is a very, very long comment, but i just really loved so many elements of your poem and if you wanted to adapt and develop it, i wanted to help. There were just a few things holding you back. If you proof read, add in careful punctuation and line-breaks, experiment with vocab, too which is important, and never fill it out with unnecessary words... you're well on your way!!
All in all, i think you have so many elements of an original writer with unusual ideas (and great taste in titles) so please accept my ciritisism and don't be offended. I will keep an eue out for your other work and look forward to reading more.
Keep it up! from charlie. ^^
Right. First the typo and grammar:Please punctuate your work and capitalize the I as in...
Do be careful about the capitalization of I while presenting a writing (especially in the very first line!) or it appears lazily done.
That why is necessary, right?
I don't know but would indifference suit better?
un-nourished brains sound really harsh (no problem with that) but maybe you should justify why their brains are called so? The degree of their evil/hatred should be expressed more strongly.
The article makes it better.
These feelings are rather mixed up. Let me explain:
First, you are frustrated. So you recede into the dark shadows. Darkness gives you a shelter. And then you light up a match, that illumination subdues your heartfelt frustrations and agonies...this is where you seem confused. The light brings in doubt to your agonies, making them appear less strongly felt.
Same with the light of a new day. It brings in unexpected hope, hope, which in the rest of the poem had no place. So maybe the darkness should remain dark or even after seeing the light, the darkness of your world is still not gone.
I hope I did not confuse you. This poem needs polishing.
And on more ethical terms, the smoking bit doesn't fit in to me either. It sounds rather disturbing at your age.
Okay, you have GOT to have good grammar and punctuation. Take some time to edit it. So, here goes my critique.
Capitilize the I and all the beginnings of your lines. This is basic poetry 101. So I won't point this out again for you.
I think that you need a period afer everywhere, a comma at least.
I like this stanza.
Punctation and grammar.
I like this one to. But you have got to edit your poem and get some grammar and punctuation in there!
This is true, but again...should I have to say it?
I dont see where this part fits in... Hopefully you don't smoke?
This poem was okay, but it really needs some editing and polishing up. You owe your poem that much to go through and correct it. I think that your a writer with potential. So good luck, and keep writing.